#234

Stoically Brilliant 

 All alone and yet not, where heretofore is the thought

That although I will give and give and give, the ones I give to will just take and live

A life, their beautiful life, apart…forget the relic of a hope

A hope crying tears never yet cried

Solace in thought filled fancy, discarded for truth of life

Alive and yet not, hope for many, none for myself  

A rock, a best friend, one who has been through the shit

Come out the other side, majestically scarred, a private joke, a tepid praise

No understanding, thus discarded or put on pedestal to not be touched 

Lie to oneself? Lessen the brilliance of being?

Self says nay, though survival says yea. I am scarred…I was broken…

I am brilliant! I am alive! I am worthy of love!

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Barroom thoughts…

Sexual adventures, what the fuck are they?!? Being disabled has changed my view on a lot of things…15 plus years is nearly half my life, at thirty two. I have seen and experienced more than many ever will. But it’s okay, in fact, it’s fucking phenomenal! I love life and all the intricacies and heartaches it includes! I know that now is all there is and all that will ever be. Reality is an illusion brought to bear from ordered chaos, another level of chaos….a fucking joke! 

Laughter is key, in everything. Sex is important. The shunned and deprived virility, of the disabled loveless, drives one down crazy mental avenues that have been brought to heel. Choked down, pushed beneath….though boiling beneath the surface.

A voice I have, though tact I lack…. Grew up to fast, I didn’t have a choice….death or life. Grew up and lived, to find that I am without but with so very much more.  I am so much more than ever I could have been. Perhaps, PERHAPS, one day….a woman might see me for who I really am.

I need to find a coast, I need to get away from this closed minded, Midwest cess pool of stagnant ideology! This place of a Dreamscape that never existed, that was nothing more than a painted political landscape. Fuck me, I feel alive! Alive with a fervent desire to flee this bullshit hole where intelligence is denounced and differences are shunned. 

Europe.

I feel so alone, all the fucking time… I put on a good show though for I know I am an inspiration. Call it a sacrifice…

Oh and I know people have nice things to say about me, I’m fucking awesome…but I am alone, I am the guy who will drop anything to help a friend….no reciprocation. I know many people are alone but I am doubly so, experience and the fact that no women can deal with the fact that I am not the prescribed “man”.. I am and have been unable to share myself with anyone, apart from vicarious leechings through my writings. I am alone, it is all I know, all I may ever know. That is fine, that is life….Le sigh et c’est la vie.

#233

2016

My friend, loved two decades hence, ne’er reciprocal time. Friend zoned by free love..no hope..no hope…

Ne’er the one, ne’er a one, ne’er more than friendship game shown, a hug, a drunk nipple suck

Inebriated intimacy, all known for ten years since, one time, the first time…coerced love

Loved but unloved lover, that dearth of experience at adolescent birth…shoved, thrust, dropped to deep end maturity 

Without, must learn on the fly, socially stagnant, anxiously becoming less and less yet so much more

Social mess with a So Calness, misplaced functionality, free love given to a stone heart world. Scary

Thoughts bouncing, devouring instinct, playing their part…whispering sidelong apathy, cherish the moments, lost in

Theta wave twilight, that bewitching hour of thought…

Consciousness heightened, not hindered nor constrained by banal being

#230

What is reality?

Living a remnant heartache

Though bright with love shining forth

Loneliness compounded with vicarious teachings 

Love shown and taken to bloom with victor’s gait

Stranded in squalid hell of no one’s creation 

Everyone is faulty, at fault for living a lie

Reality is the illusion

#229

Field Day

Individual experience, each a fusion reaction, humanity’s star

Compounded in a conscious mess, messiness devoured on awareness’ arrival 

Violent crossover, the unconscious result 

A sapien quagmire, ego cess pool, unthought known cannot be known to those plugged in

Cities flourish en masse, though upper stories are shuttered, closed to outside influence 

Wake them! Shake them! Break them from their reverie! 

Half staff flag speaks to paradigm’s end

Rich men, poor, wailing and gnashing their teeth. A hunger that shan’t be sated

By a world no longer complicit to the burgeoning suck, the place of a present stuck

Within itself, disconnected from source, a solitary hell. The joy of progress?!?

Regression leads progression when found walking a plank over genetically modified abyss

DNA swimming, dangerous affairs and unknown creations. Sideways effects affecting the entire race

Race to the bottom, race to the top…a racially conscious decision