A 21st Century Experience of Sexuality

I am an anomaly, I want sex and desire sex but there is just something I don’t want… drama.  I have not had sex in years and it is what it is.  My world is not controlled by sex. I would like to have sex but I am too busy broadening my mind via writing, reading, observing.  I am an amazingly social, funny guy.  I guess the problem with my stepping things up to the sexual level are that I have had to learn some sort of sexual suave or lack thereof at a crash course level, hence my “skills” are kind of nonexistent.  I never learned how to talk to girls, how to hit on them, how to go on dates… nothing.  

A month after turning seventeen, I was involved in a horrific car accident.  I suffered a TBI, skull fracture, multiple broken bones, two shattered joints, several system failures, a three month coma and one month of LIS (Locked-In-Syndrome).  Needless to say, my seventeenth year was a crash course of my first eight years.  I had to learn everything, physically, over.  My intellect was still in tact, not to mention my wit.  I will admit, however, that though my intellect was intact, my maturity was very base… at first.  It was like along with being knocked back physically, I was set back mentally as well. While everyone else was learning how to be an adult, I was relearning everything I had learned the seventeen years prior. Now, fast forward seventeen and a half  years later, I am thirty-four with a short series of bullshit relationships… Enough with the excuses.  I have had meaningless sex, I have had one night stands, I have fucked my high school crush, four times.  through it all, something was off.  Meaningless sex is a bullshit ego trip.  I value sex differently than most people.  Sure it is fun and temporarily fulfilling, an ego boost.  In the end, you are left wanting… so, to enter the habit of perpetual hookups or give it time and wait? That is the question I’ve asked myself.  Maybe it will be an extremely long time, maybe it will be shorter, maybe it will never happen.  There is no time frame.

The problem is, we, as 21st century human beings, have taken the act of sex and turned it into a weapon.  It is a weapon against the spiritual connection of love.  Love is not sex, it is not the post-coital glow and thrill.  The truth of love is that it is a spiritual connection, to be enhanced by a physical melding. Immediate gratification, it is what our society is based on, ego fulfillment.  No one is willing to put in the hard work to find a viable match.  They seek a lust fulfillment, what their mind thinks they want. The tough part is, that some of the bonding, the oxytocin induced connection, is mistaken for real.  For the less worldly and naive, they mistake this fickle bonding for a true love, they are stuck.

That is all for now.

 

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#390

Self Governance

Recognizing the higher energy in ourselves

A process gained through training or trial

All choices are choices to act, not act

Acting is pouring energy toward being or anti being

Antithetical energy, there is only one.

Evil, a petulant excuse

Created by man, scapegoat desires

To love is to god

Power in each one, god a many

Some broken, all flawed

Truth, truth in god, truth in love

Be love

Be god

Govern thyself, for you are god.

truth in love

The truth is, I have never experienced a woman in her truth, nor has a woman ever experienced me in my truth. The closest of coming to such occurred just before the catalyst, which shaped my adolescence. I had found the closest thing I’ve ever came to knowing a romantic love at the age of sixteen. Alas, fickle mischances are to be torn asunder. And then…my life was altered and dramatically changed forever. The truth is, I have never experienced a woman in her truth, nor a woman ever experienced me in my truth.

#389

Pussy and the Feels

Burnt before, searching for truth

Wizened maybe, smartest people, dumb as fuck

Traipsing infested depths once more

Trapped!

Mamma bear and cubs, not ones own

Bears before, bears a plenty

Honey pot reverie

Poison laced, poison snare, poisoned littered everywhere

Drops in doses, immunity built

Rotten core

Ink drop falls in well

Water spoiled

Addicted to Eve’s apple

Heroin ass and honey pot.

Choose better, choose not at all

Fuck the drama!

Some juice is not worth the squeeze.

Monk mode survival, thrival, being.

Nirvana.