Where the ocean meets the sand

Having lived 17 years before my brain injury, I’d say I was fairly well adapted to that life….here I am, near 16 years later, and I am fairly well adapted to a disabled life. 

I love my family very dearly and my old friends, but there are many times, when with them, it is as if they are seeing me through a foggy window….still remembering the old me as I was, but seeing and experiencing the new me as I am. 

Being a keen observer of the human condition, I pick up on nonverbal signals, these tiny cues. They don’t yet know how to act around me and keep waiting for me to transform back into what I was before I was changed by pain.

I understand the dilemma and the yearning…they miss their son, their brother, their friend. I miss him less and less everyday. The naive, though brilliant, little punk I was… Ha!

I realize that the main reason I even go out is to distract from the physical pain. Even now, 4:10am, my hand is a throbbing mass of unbridled tension. It keeps a guy up at night.

I write this for understanding, so others can see behind the scenes, can gain glimpse of what I live through everyday. So they can realize that I am happy to be alive, even if in pain. Every day is a gift, every moment, every now.

The struggles we face in life come down to a few choices. Yeah, I could easily have become an addict. After my accident I was on massive amounts of opioids (Vicodin, Percocet, Ocycontin, Morphine, etc etc). I made a choice, around 21 or 22, that I was not going to become dependent on these drugs. I weened myself off and only take pain medication, now, when I am in extreme pain. Yeah, my pain tolerance is much higher, but pain is pain. It sucks! 

The thing that gets me the most is that I rarely complain, and a lot of people don’t talk to me about life or anything substantial, if they talk to me at all. People love to tell me their problems…women especially. Like I give a shit about your relationship problems?!?  Ha! I’ve never even been on a legitimate date….rub it in, yo! Take your life for granted some more! Ha!

I digress…what the fuck was I talking about initially? Whatever, Bon nuit et c’est la vie!

#332

Chance 

Warped wave messaging 

“What the fuck is this?!?”

Notices reality coil, “hmm it must be!”

Attraction negated years past, seems brought 

Forth to realization, thus…

Shrugs and on he moves

#331

Mandela Effect 

What is real beyond a familial connection

Where to go, what to do, who to be???

Pond crossing possibilities, southern minded by any means 

Realities shifting before awe filled eyes

Going with change, adapting to shifting skies

Minds seeing one way, remembering another, multiverse bearings 

“What the fuck is going on?!?”

Subconscious screams in slumber 

Twisting, striking dreams, damning the netherscape 

Awareness is reality adapting, though holding memory of yore

#330

Suicide Note

Take these moments of clarity, 

Those lucid thought parabolas 

Whisper growth in words found warring with the world 

Glow orb hanging lonely loftwards 

Attempting to draw the eyes the hearts the waters

No ear, no heart, no eye, no water to notice 

World without moon life is no life.

Social experiment 

The modern attraction paradigm is a game based system. People, women, say they want an honest and straight forward  man. This is a fallacy. I know all women reading this are up in arms “how the fuck does he think he can speak for all of us?!?”

4.5 years ago I checked out of the game playing. Straight forward is what I am and have been…it’s a fucking joke! I am a weird, disabled, super intelligent guy, so I have always been shunned by women. These past 4.5 years I have noticed my attraction and subsequent announcement of said attraction only breeds “you’re such a great friend but…”, “that’s cute”, or the “thanks but no thanks”. Some of these women I know are attracted or are at least interested…I’m pretty dam good with body language and non verbal cues. It is a laughable thing.

The next time you hear a woman saying they want an honest and straight forward guy, call their bullshit for what it is, a big stinking pile of it. 

Fuck it! I’m gonna do me, forget the games. Yeah, it’s lonely as fuck all but a guy has to have some sort of principles. I mean, I’m an attractiveish guy…good looking enough to hang out with….but I’m “great dating material for someone else”. Haha, fuck….I can’t even go on a date with a girl before she drops that hammer. And yes, it has happened over and over. 

“But Kyle, you just haven’t found the right girl yet”….platitudes and bullshit. If a guy cannot even ask a girl to go on a date without getting the “you’re just not dating material” (paraphrased).  Fuck it….I’m the extremely cool but unlovable “brain injured fuck”. Ha, cheers! 

#329

SW Ohio 

Sparing conscious call

Running from familiar 

Lost hope

Worry for self

Realizing place with self doesn’t matter for others 

Valued time

Given 

Ne’er returned

Gaming….

Never

Straightforward being and becoming

Growth beyond

#328

What I Am

I am what I am

I am Kyle, I am alive, 

I am a human being on the planet earth.  

I have blond hair. I am of a largely 

European descent. I have brown 

eyes. I have many scars over 

my body, I am five foot ten inches tall, 

I weigh, roughly, one-hundred 

seventy-five pounds.  I not only survive, 

I thrive.  I have had an interesting journey. 

I am sarcastic. I am honest.

I was in love with someone, they knew

but didn’t seem to care… it hurts but 

it is what it is.  I am a die-hard romantic,

a warrior poet. I am loyal. I am intelligent. 

I am quick witted. I have an ear for 

music, playing and finding talent.  

I am a lover of fine things, 

life being chief.  I am a people person. 

I am a bit of a loner because people suck…

That scratches the surface of what I am