Socially, I hurt…I have never known what it is like to be desired or looked on with genuine sexual admiration. Based on the 20,000 year old sexual paradigm we’re living in, I am fodder…a waste of sperm and masculine entity. It hurts, being socially aware as well as a social pariah. Along with facing, or having faced the ordeals I have, I am faced with the stark reality that I am the lowest of the low because of things I cannot effect or change. Being seen by women as an amazing inspiration and source for hope is commonplace but that is the farthest the admiration goes.
Now I am not just one of those whiners that gives up and wishes the world would hand them everything…exactly the opposite. I have achieved my outstanding recovery due to my not being accepting of the hand that was dealt. I am and will be a work in progress for the reminder of my life. That should be everyone’s philosophy but doubly so for me, as I am competing against myself, or at least my perceived self. I have amazing confidence and self esteem but I am also a bit of a realist. Therein lies some of my issue.
After being discarded and passed over for 16+ years, some of my most formative years in this second life, I think I already know or believe that I am unacceptable. Yeah, I’m smart as fuck and funny as hell…but people still tend to be embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I understand this now because I give no fucks and act in any way I see fit. Now, it is not in offense to anyone directly, unless they’re a bitching Nancy who is uncomfortable with life…yeah, I just described the majority of middle America.
- Revisited, a year later**
Fuck me, I was a self victimized whiny loser, a self deprecating little bitch. Forget that version of me. Blah blah blah, my past was blah blah blah. What a fuckwit i was. Yeah, I can write but my consciously unintended manipulations were total bullshit. Self realization is a humbling and hilarious thing.