I am an anomaly, I want sex and desire sex but there is just something I don’t want… drama. I have not had sex in years and it is what it is. My world is not controlled by sex. I would like to have sex but I am too busy broadening my mind via writing, reading, observing. I am an amazingly social, funny guy. I guess the problem with my stepping things up to the sexual level are that I have had to learn some sort of sexual suave or lack thereof at a crash course level, hence my “skills” are kind of nonexistent. I never learned how to talk to girls, how to hit on them, how to go on dates… nothing.
A month after turning seventeen, I was involved in a horrific car accident. I suffered a TBI, skull fracture, multiple broken bones, two shattered joints, several system failures, a three month coma and one month of LIS (Locked-In-Syndrome). Needless to say, my seventeenth year was a crash course of my first eight years. I had to learn everything, physically, over. My intellect was still in tact, not to mention my wit. I will admit, however, that though my intellect was intact, my maturity was very base… at first. It was like along with being knocked back physically, I was set back mentally as well. While everyone else was learning how to be an adult, I was relearning everything I had learned the seventeen years prior. Now, fast forward seventeen and a half years later, I am thirty-four with a short series of bullshit relationships… Enough with the excuses. I have had meaningless sex, I have had one night stands, I have fucked my high school crush, four times. through it all, something was off. Meaningless sex is a bullshit ego trip. I value sex differently than most people. Sure it is fun and temporarily fulfilling, an ego boost. In the end, you are left wanting… so, to enter the habit of perpetual hookups or give it time and wait? That is the question I’ve asked myself. Maybe it will be an extremely long time, maybe it will be shorter, maybe it will never happen. There is no time frame.
The problem is, we, as 21st century human beings, have taken the act of sex and turned it into a weapon. It is a weapon against the spiritual connection of love. Love is not sex, it is not the post-coital glow and thrill. The truth of love is that it is a spiritual connection, to be enhanced by a physical melding. Immediate gratification, it is what our society is based on, ego fulfillment. No one is willing to put in the hard work to find a viable match. They seek a lust fulfillment, what their mind thinks they want. The tough part is, that some of the bonding, the oxytocin induced connection, is real. For the less worldly and naive, they mistake this fickle bonding for a true love, they are stuck.
That is all for now.