The value of fucks

I am a brain injured fuck, 16 years removed. I am the realest person you will ever meet, though, still battling through the social conditioning received before and after my accident. Yeah yeah, we’re all fucked up in ways we sometimes don’t know or ever realize, but me suffering through my ordeal and dealing with the subsequent life changes lent my ego a bit of a “my experience is far more substantial than yours”. It’s totally egotistical and fucked up. I know. That’s where I was for 12 or 13 years.  It was a slow growth and, though I would still catch myself in megalomaniacal throes of grandeur, I don’t know where I was going with this sentence exactly… Solving subsequent physical issues from my accident held my focused attention for near six years, so that once I reached a point where I am capable of living alone, about 10 years or so ago, I felt tossed into the emotional deep end and ended up floundering for years trying to be like everyone else.

Therein lies my issue, I was giving too many fucks. My recovery road was simple, I had a solitary mission. Thusly, I was focused and determined. I had a goal, independence. I missed a point, being too busy racing to “catch up to my peers” because of my setback. Something that was impossible. I was giving a fuck. I was giving a fuck for the wrong reasons. Giving a fuck in this case worked out well because the outcomes were at the same place, physical recovery. The same philosophy or tactics or whatever is what I attempted using for the next decade. It worked for my recovery, why wouldn’t it continue?!? Frustrated and self deprecating, my narcissistic show was a compelling argument to continue with my “my life is shit and waaaa waaaa waaaa” self pity show. Trying this and trying that, failing and failing…assessing my failures to my brain injured fuckness, instead of examining the reasons and tactics of why I was failing. What worked for me at one point will no longer work at the point I’m at. I was giving too many fucks. Asshole thus becometh!

Inspired by: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson –—+mark+manson&dpPl=1&dpID=51C2AkS3QdL&ref=plSrch

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