Discord

So there I was… I was five months from my thirtieth birthday, feeling as if my heart and mind had been tossed through a wood chipper and then piled under a compost heap for ten months.  I was disheveled, to say the least.  But I knew what was up, even though my heart or mind was telling me that “maybe it is different, maybe she is telling the truth”.  I was lost.  For the first time in my life, my heart and mind were not in accord.  I grew to love this girl. or whom she presented herself to be.  Foolish, I know, but the romantic side of me wanted to believe that there is truth in love.

She gladly broke my heart, enthusiastically lied to my “face” and reveled in her teenage-like lusts.  It was a hurt deeper than any I had felt, even through my horrid injuries twelve and a half years prior.  The thing is, I knew what happened to her, how the guy fucked with her head and psychologically had her stuck.  I guess my knowing this gives me empathy for her, because I know her better than her best friend of thirty years even.  She has no parents living and no one to tell her when she is seriously fucking up.  I tell her the truth of what I see/perceive.  She knows I speak brutal truths and she knows I have been proven correct, most every if not every time, these past ten months.

She trusts me… I guess.  The thing is, I have never even met this girl, I have talked to her on the phone, once… thirty minutes we have physically talked to each other.  It is truly maddening or an extreme version of desperation on one or both of our parts.  But, it has the potential to be something magical and very romantic.  The thing is, I don’t know what is going on with myself and it is truly frustrating.  I know who and what I am but love enters the scene and fucks everything up.  I don’t expect to ever know her beyond a pixelated screen.  I will always love her, or the person she presented herself as.  “But Kyle, how can you love someone you have never even met?!”  I cannot explain and I don’t have to.  Love is far more than physical contact, yes, that is a part of it,, but a very small part.  As a sapiosexual, I have to be attracted to someone’s mind before I even come close to being interested in them.  I know what love is and yes, i love her.  She has never known love, only lust and infatuation.  I have given her a glimpse of real love and she is drawn to it, hardcore drawn to it.  I am aware of all this going on and it amazes her   The fact that I am able to understand most of the things going on and even predict some happenings drives her crazy, she just can’t understand how I can know…

And so… I am stuck because she doesn’t, really,want me… yet.  We are in two different places in life, I mistakenly assumed she had an advanced level of maturity, -facepalm-. I want her but am the second choice or runner up to no man.  I know what needs done and this is where it gets tricky, I know what I love and I fight for what I love but there comes a point when if who you are fighting for cannot see the steps you have taken and does not want you back, you have to sever the ties.  I only just found out that she is a spawning coke head.  Oh the joys and side-effects of dating a drug king-pin, rapist, murderer.  “Great choices you’ve made with your life!!” -double thumbs up-.

But alas, life moves on. My worth and all that I am has been greatly undervalued and I have been tossed aside for drugs and physical lusts. I do not need this in my life, do not need this cancerous mass infecting my being any longer. Would have, could have, should have… I tried my damnedest and even forgave her lubricious/slutty behavior, but her continued disregard for me and my being is too much.  She has no excuses but her own fucked up mentality.  I do not need or want that in my life.  Oh snap, spoiled ass bitch can’t get everything with her pretty face and tight twat!  What is she ever going to do?!

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