Life, it happens in the weirdest ways. I don’t play games, I could but I refuse and have no want or need for it. I guess you might credit that for my sordid love life, it is what it is. I have friends in the pick up artist (PUA) community and sure, I gave it a legitimate try and it worked beautifully, I just found the experience less than fulfilling. Sex is great and all but I need a deeper human connection.
Sex has never really been a big part of my life, especially during the late teens/early twenties… it just never happened, I was purely focused on school, sports and music during my teen years. My adolescence, the years typically spent exploring one’s sexuality, was spent relearning, via “crash course”, everything I had learned the seventeen years prior. I was focused, sure i noticed girls; noticed as they overlooked the guy in a wheelchair/with a walker or they looked on me with pity, thinking I needed their social graces. Admittedly, I was kind of pissed and I would either make them feel like an idiot, placate them or just stare off absentmindedly.
I was lacking in confidence around this time too, whereas pre-accident I was a star athlete, an amazing musician and a stellar scholar, but post accident I only saw myself through other people’s eyes. My brain, with my TBI, was that of a young teenager, so I had to regrow myself mentally and physically. Quite the daunting task when everyone expects you to act like any normal 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 year old. I was stuck.
As far as women, they saw me as immature and kind of clingy. Which is understandable given my head injury and me wanting to keep hold of things I cared for. I was still traumatized after losing so much in my car wreck. But life goes on, I rationalized all of the women who were mean to me by deprecating myself. I know, brilliant, but that is where I was.
I could not see why anybody would want to really get to know me so I assumed, rather accurately, that people were just lazy and didn’t want to put the effort into getting to know someone fairly different from the norm. This happens, still, today, it doesn’t even phase me, as it used to make me so angry. I finally figured out that my situation was the perfect bullshit and fake people filter, that and I developed an amazing sense of self confidence. This let me know that anyone who actually took the time to get to know me would be someone worth my time.
As said above, I don’t play games, if i like you, I will tell you. If that scares you off, you aren’t worth my time to begin with. i am a strong person and have been described as wise. i just see life for what it is and what it’s worth. My pre-frontal cortex is going haywire most times these days, plagued with sexual repression… I have come to accept that as par for the course, being “differently-abled” and all, but it sucks. Most women are too worried about what others will think if they are seen with me. Sure, they’ll be my friend… but the buck stops there.
You would be surprised how many people are scared to death of this politically correct society. Afraid of offending someone who is a bit different, so they treat them all like they are severely, mentally handicapped. I know it is just ignorance and it still bugs me, even twelve years later. I think that has something to do with the faith I have that people will be as accepting as I am… you know the golden rule “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” and the platinum rule “do unto others as they would do unto themselves” I try to live by those simple rules.
’til then, adieu.